Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.