Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.