“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.