Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.