One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)