My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?