"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.