My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.