A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

"Put Up With Me"

I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

– Holly Giffers

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.

Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.

Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.

I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!

(Unknown)

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.