What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.