It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

"Room with a View"

I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.

One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.

– Stephen Swinburne

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”