I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.