Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.