"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!