How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me