Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.