There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'