Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.