Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.