Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise