An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."