To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.