What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."