I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."