A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.