There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.