I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

Knock knock.
Come in.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.