There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’