In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."