Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.