On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.