How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.