Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.