What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"