How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.