A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.