I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Knock knock.
Come in.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!