It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.

(Kevin Nishmas)

It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!