The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.