The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.