I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.