Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.