There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'