What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
You know what they say? Words.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.