Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.