Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.