Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.