What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.