I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.