My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.