How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
You know what they say? Words.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”