How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.