How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.