How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.