Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.