Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.