My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.