What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.