The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.