Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)