It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?

Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”

(Rhona McFerran)

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!