Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.