What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.