Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.