Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.