Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.