When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”