"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.