Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.

But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.

(Kevin Nishmas)

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.

Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)