I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."