"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.