What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”