Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.