Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.